Jokes that
actually land.

Two guys standing on the street see a dog licking its own balls. One says, “Man, I wish I could do that.” The other replies, “Maybe try petting him first.”

Wife: “I want to buy that expensive bag.” Husband: “No, we don’t have money.” Wife: “But baby, it will make me happy.” Husband: “Okay buy it.” Wife (smiling): “Love you!” Husband: “Now stay happy for next 6 months, I’m not giving you any money.”

An engineer dies and goes to hell. Satan: “Welcome, you’ll be tortured for eternity.” Engineer looks around and says: “This AC is not working, generator is noisy, wiring is dangerous.” After 2 days Satan shouts: “Get this guy out of here! He’s making heaven in hell!”

Teacher: “If you have 10 rupees and ask your dad for 10 more, how much will you have?” Student: “10 rupees.” Teacher: “You don’t know maths!” Student: “You don’t know my dad!”

A man comes home with a new dress for his wife. Wife: “Wow! This is beautiful. But why did you buy it?” Husband: “Because I saw it in the shop and imagined how sexy you would look in it.” Wife (smiling): “Thank you baby!” Husband: “Now take it off and give me the money back, the shopkeeper is waiting outside.”

I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me pictures of Kit Kats.