Pitch-black humor. Not for the faint of heart.
12 jokes
What’s the difference between cancer and my ex?
Cancer eventually dies.
My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep. Unlike his passengers — they were screaming the whole time.
I told my therapist I’m having suicidal thoughts. He said, “Don’t do it — think of your family.” I said, “That’s exactly why I’m doing it.”
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.
Guy gets fired after 20 years. Tells his wife: “I’ve been wanting to stick my dick in the pickle slicer for years… today I finally did it.” Wife (horrified): “Oh my god, how’s your dick?!” “Fine.” “How’s the pickle slicer?” “She got fired too.”
My mom died because we couldn’t remember her blood type.
As she died she kept saying “Be positive!”… but it’s hard without her.
Why are cigarettes good for the environment?
They kill people.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls emergency services: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” Operator: “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” Silence… then a gunshot. “Okay, now what?”
Where did my grandfather go after he got lost in a minefield?
Everywhere.
I asked my dad if I was adopted. He laughed and said, "You think someone would actually pick you?"
What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?
You can't milk a cow for twelve years.
I have a stepladder. It's a really nice ladder. I never knew my real ladder.