Puns

Two boll weevils grew up in the Deep South. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A doctor walks into his favorite bar after work and orders an almond daiquiri. One day the bartender runs out of almond liqueur and substitutes hickory nut liqueur instead. The doctor takes a sip and says, "Are you sure this is an almond daiquiri?" Bartender: "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "I don't think I am." POOF! The horse disappears. This is where philosophy students start giggling, because of cogito ergo sum ("I think, therefore I am"). But explaining that beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

I'm terrified of elevators, so I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.